The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.

— Psalm 32:8 NLT

I am quite certain at several points in time throughout my 46 years, God gave me specific directions in which to walk. He gave me the blueprints for fulfilling my purpose and provided me the tools to accomplish the tasks. But with insecurities, fear, stubbornness, confusion, deep-seeded anger wrapped in emotional and physical pain tied with a bow of a victim mentality, I justified my moves in the opposite direction. In my mind, running away and doing it my way was far easier than running toward the Nineveh God had in mind for me.

A few years ago, one cold gray, snowy day in February, I couldn’t find a reason to get out of bed. I tried to grasp a thought that would bring me comfort, happiness – something to make me feel like I had purpose for still breathing. I couldn’t list a single point in time where I felt I had succeeded or that I had done a good work – with every positive there were a bazillion negatives. The life I was living was not the one God had planned for me. I had blown it. I had run out of resources for fixing the broken me. I couldn’t repair the path of destruction I left in the wake of living my life my way. The damage was done. There was no undoing anything. The voice in my head, “stop wasting time, just end your life and do the world a favor, do your kids a favor. Just end it.” Sobbing, I cried out, “I am sorry God, so so sorry I didn’t turn out the way you wanted me.” I have to chuckle here, and yes, of course I realize there is nothing funny about my state at the time and suicide is no laughing matter. This had not been my first contemplation, nor would it have been my first attempt. In the past, at pivotal moments, God sent rescuers and I will talk more about that in a future blog. This time, though, it was very different. I felt and heard God sigh and a comforting pressure on my heart. A warm-like tingly surge, the kind you get when you are at church camp singing to the praise music. I chuckle because I can just imagine Him saying, “not again, daughter, we’ve been through this a thousand times. You need to turn your listening ears up.”

A lot has happened between that day and today and I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty – a willing spirit sits before this keyboard, in constant prayer and an overwhelming desire to let go and let the whale spit me out wherever God wishes. Praying without ceasing and reading the word – I know God will lead me to the Nineveh He now has for me.