My Angel in the Sky

It’s not easy leaving behind a life that God never intended for us. No matter what step we are on of a 12-step program or which chapter we completed in the current self-help book we have on our nightstand or ereader; it is not easy and some days it can feel near impossible. I’ve struggled for 33 plus years. I’ve made numerous attempts to go back to the life I had committed to living when I accepted Christ as my savior. Sitting in an auditorium at church camp, 13 years old, nursing the wounds of an abusive home and all the damage that entailed. I believed with every fiber of my being, that my Heavenly Father could love me beyond anything I could have ever dreamt from my earthly one. I believed God was going to rescue me. He was going to use me to do great things. It was so easy to open my heart and feel safe surrounded by so many who shared in my new found love for Him. I suppose through a 13-year-old pair of eyes, it was that simple.

Camp ended and I returned home. To the same exact house, to the same father I lived in fear of and who caused me so much pain and perhaps more damaging, I returned to a life of pretending to the outside world that everyone was okay within our dwelling. It was difficult for me to hear God’s voice over all the yelling and outrage. I obviously wasn’t getting it right. My family wasn’t worthy enough to hear Him.

As I entered my late 20s, early 30s a wife and mother of three babies, I just knew that participating in a ladies bible study or completing all the steps required to have a relationship with God per the author I was reading at the time, that my life would somehow be instantly fixed. Information received, knowledge applied and revelation expected with instant success of a life changing relationship with God of course! I would be well on my way to the perfect version of myself. God was gonna love me this time! I was going to be the perfect Godly wife and mother I was supposed to be. I was gonna get it right! The euphoria lasted about a week at a time. I would dig in and rely on God and desperately seek Him. But life happened and I would face a struggle and I felt God was too far away because I had had failed so eventually I was out. I wasn’t willing to live the pattern of disappointment. So, I would just do life my way.

I am in my mid 40s now and I’ve stopped running away but toward. I have such a strong desire to have an intimate relationship with God. Every day I wake up and crave spending time seeking Him. And no, allowing Him to heal me and show me the way He wants me to live my life, it sure isn’t easy.

As this blog continues to grow, I just want you to know – it will be okay. God has you even when you absolutely do not feel He does. Do you know, that today, I found myself crying out to Him because of one of my failures and my fragile heart needed some serious protection. I wanted to run away from the emotional pain so so so much. I sat in my porch rocker and looked up for hope and comfort as I cried out to Him. I was awestruck. I ran to get my camera. There is a God and He loves you! He loves me.

Opposite Direction No More

This Way To Nineveh

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.

— Psalm 32:8 NLT

I am quite certain at several points in time throughout my 46 years, God gave me specific directions in which to walk. He gave me the blueprints for fulfilling my purpose and provided me the tools to accomplish the tasks. But with insecurities, fear, stubbornness, confusion, deep-seeded anger wrapped in emotional and physical pain tied with a bow of a victim mentality, I justified my moves in the opposite direction. In my mind, running away and doing it my way was far easier than running toward the Nineveh God had in mind for me.

A few years ago, one cold gray, snowy day in February, I couldn’t find a reason to get out of bed. I tried to grasp a thought that would bring me comfort, happiness – something to make me feel like I had purpose for still breathing. I couldn’t list a single point in time where I felt I had succeeded or that I had done a good work – with every positive there were a bazillion negatives. The life I was living was not the one God had planned for me. I had blown it. I had run out of resources for fixing the broken me. I couldn’t repair the path of destruction I left in the wake of living my life my way. The damage was done. There was no undoing anything. The voice in my head, “stop wasting time, just end your life and do the world a favor, do your kids a favor. Just end it.” Sobbing, I cried out, “I am sorry God, so so sorry I didn’t turn out the way you wanted me.” I have to chuckle here, and yes, of course I realize there is nothing funny about my state at the time and suicide is no laughing matter. This had not been my first contemplation, nor would it have been my first attempt. In the past, at pivotal moments, God sent rescuers and I will talk more about that in a future blog. This time, though, it was very different. I felt and heard God sigh and a comforting pressure on my heart. A warm-like tingly surge, the kind you get when you are at church camp singing to the praise music. I chuckle because I can just imagine Him saying, “not again, daughter, we’ve been through this a thousand times. You need to turn your listening ears up.”

A lot has happened between that day and today and I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty – a willing spirit sits before this keyboard, in constant prayer and an overwhelming desire to let go and let the whale spit me out wherever God wishes. Praying without ceasing and reading the word – I know God will lead me to the Nineveh He now has for me.