It’s not easy leaving behind a life that God never intended for us. No matter what step we are on of a 12-step program or which chapter we completed in the current self-help book we have on our nightstand or ereader; it is not easy and some days it can feel near impossible. I’ve struggled for 33 plus years. I’ve made numerous attempts to go back to the life I had committed to living when I accepted Christ as my savior. Sitting in an auditorium at church camp, 13 years old, nursing the wounds of an abusive home and all the damage that entailed. I believed with every fiber of my being, that my Heavenly Father could love me beyond anything I could have ever dreamt from my earthly one. I believed God was going to rescue me. He was going to use me to do great things. It was so easy to open my heart and feel safe surrounded by so many who shared in my new found love for Him. I suppose through a 13-year-old pair of eyes, it was that simple.
Camp ended and I returned home. To the same exact house, to the same father I lived in fear of and who caused me so much pain and perhaps more damaging, I returned to a life of pretending to the outside world that everyone was okay within our dwelling. It was difficult for me to hear God’s voice over all the yelling and outrage. I obviously wasn’t getting it right. My family wasn’t worthy enough to hear Him.
As I entered my late 20s, early 30s a wife and mother of three babies, I just knew that participating in a ladies bible study or completing all the steps required to have a relationship with God per the author I was reading at the time, that my life would somehow be instantly fixed. Information received, knowledge applied and revelation expected with instant success of a life changing relationship with God of course! I would be well on my way to the perfect version of myself. God was gonna love me this time! I was going to be the perfect Godly wife and mother I was supposed to be. I was gonna get it right! The euphoria lasted about a week at a time. I would dig in and rely on God and desperately seek Him. But life happened and I would face a struggle and I felt God was too far away because I had had failed so eventually I was out. I wasn’t willing to live the pattern of disappointment. So, I would just do life my way.
I am in my mid 40s now and I’ve stopped running away but toward. I have such a strong desire to have an intimate relationship with God. Every day I wake up and crave spending time seeking Him. And no, allowing Him to heal me and show me the way He wants me to live my life, it sure isn’t easy.
As this blog continues to grow, I just want you to know – it will be okay. God has you even when you absolutely do not feel He does. Do you know, that today, I found myself crying out to Him because of one of my failures and my fragile heart needed some serious protection. I wanted to run away from the emotional pain so so so much. I sat in my porch rocker and looked up for hope and comfort as I cried out to Him. I was awestruck. I ran to get my camera. There is a God and He loves you! He loves me.